Chagrin Falls Nights: The Ballad of Calvin
by NMMacc18
Summary: Calvin enters a highly herald go-kart race at the local go-kart track bent on winning the ten thousand dollar grand prize. Will he win? Probably not? Will he cause mass chaos? Of course he will. This is Calvin we're talking about here.
1. Signing Up

**Disclaimer: I do not live in Chagrin Falls, Ohio, nor do I even live in Ohio, so the places mentioned in this fic are probably inaccurate.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Signing Up**

It was another "ordinary" day in Chagrin Falls, Ohio, and, as usual, Calvin and Hobbes were causing chaos.

"TURN TO THE RIGHT! YOUR GOING TO CRASH!"

"I CAN SEE FURBALL!"

"LOOK OUT FOR THAT CROWD!"

"I CAN SEE!"

 _ **SLAM!**_

Calvin and Hobbes crashed into a food cart, and a bunch of food came crashing down on them.

"There! I looked out for that crowd on the last street we passed! You happy?" Calvin said as he got up annoyed.

"Yes, but we ended up crashing anyway..." Hobbes said annoyed.

"Well not my fault I didn't see the food cart!"

"Technically it is." Hobbes said, trying to prove a point.

But before Calvin could respond, he heard an angry voice.

"HEY! ITS THAT KID WHO WAS RIDING LIKE A DRUNK THROUGH TOWN! LETS GET HIM!" A man said as he lead an angry mob of about 50 people.

"Hobbes?"

"Yes?"

"Run away?"

"Yes, I suppose that would be the most logical course of action." Hobbes said as he and Calvin made a mad dash for it.

"Remind me to never mix pops together and see if they react with different types of candy." Calvin said as they continued to run.

"I'll keep note of that..." Hobbes said rolling his eyes.

Eventually, they lost the angry mob, and began to walk toward home, and then they saw a long line near the local go-kart track.

"What's this?" Calvin said confused.

"It looks like its the signups for the go-kart track's annual go-kart race, and it seems to be a pretty big thing." Hobbes said as he observed a poster nearby.

"Any prizes? Like I'd compete anyway..." Calvin said mumbling.

"Lets see, the grand prize is ten thousand dollars." Hobbes said, and then turned around to see dollar signs in Calvin's eyes.

"Ho boy..." Hobbes said sighing.

"I think I've found a way out of our financial troubles Hobbes" Calvin said grinning.

"Let me guess, enter the race and do every stupid tactic you have in the book to win?" Hobbes said sarcastically.

"Exactly! We'll be rich! I'll be able to buy a Ferrari! My own mansion! I can probably buy the whole country with that kind of loot!" Calvin said as he went on and on about winning the prize money, Hobbes groaned.

After about thirty minutes of waiting, they reached the signup table.

"So, your here to sign up for the race?" The man at the table said.

"Well why would I waste thirty minutes of my life waiting in line for nothing?" Calvin snapped as he grabbed the signup sheet and signed himself up.

"I guess so... So hear's a booklet with everything you need to know, and we'll see you next week for the events." The man said as he handed Calvin the booklet in an attempt to get him out, to which Calvin swiped the booklet right out of his hands and left.

The man looked at what Calvin had wrote down.

"Calvin the Bold... What a name..." The man said sighing.


	2. The Calvinmobile

**Sorry that I haven't bothered to work on this, I kinda got wrapped up working on The Calvin and Hobbes Show. I'll get this done, don't worry!**

* * *

 **Chapter 2: The Calvinmobile**

Later at home, Calvin and Hobbes were reading the booklet.

"So basically they don't give you any limit to what your kart can look like." Hobbes observed as they read the booklet.

"Well, looks like our agenda for tomorrow is set." Calvin said.

"Which is?" Hobbes said trying to figure out what Calvin's plan was.

"Going to the junkyard to find parts to make it!" Calvin said excitedly. Hobbes groaned, knowing it would be a long day.

The next day, just as Calvin had promised, they went to the local junkyard.

"You honestly think we'll be able to find all the parts we need from here?" Hobbes asked to Calvin.

"Of course we can Hobbes. Junkyards are where all the best go-karts are created." Calvin said confidently.

"I don't think the best ones are created in junkyards." Hobbes said rolling his eyes.

"Nonsense, I know how its done." Calvin said as he began to grab parts that would form the kart.

Hobbes eventually figured out that the parts could be found, so he eventually was able to find a bunch of stuff for the kart.

Eventually, the two found more than enough stuff to make the kart.

"See Hobbes? Told ya we'd find everything we need here." Calvin said as they left.

"Well yeah, except we don't have an engine or tires." Hobbes pointed out.

"Oh yeah... Eh, we'll figure that out later. We need to build this baby!" Calvin said confidently as they headed home.

When they got home, they worked on building the kart, and eventually they finished building it. It was a kart that could seat two people, and looked like a hybrid Indy Car and NASCAR stock car. With the front looking more like a NASCAR stock car, and the back looking more like an Indy Car, with a wing included.

"Well, I didn't expect it to end up looking like this, but its okay, I guess." Hobbes said observing it.

"Okay?! Its the greatest kart ever created! The Calvinmobile will crush the competition!" Calvin proclaimed.

"The Calvinmobile, what a brilliant name choice..." Hobbes said sarcastically.

"I know right?!" Calvin said proudly, not catching Hobbes sarcasm.

"So uh, are we going to paint this or what?" Hobbes said.

"Oh yeah! I'm going to be the painter, while you can go get us an engine and tires!" Calvin said excitedly.

"Where do you expect me to find an engine and tires at?" Hobbes said annoyed.

"I don't know, just go find some somewhere." Calvin said as he began spray painting it. Hobbes groaned and walked off.

A little while later, Hobbes returned with no luck, and saw that Calvin had painted it all white, with the number 85, with the sponsor being G.R.O.S.S.

"Check this work of art out Hobbes! This makes Pablo Picasso's paintings look lame!" Calvin said proudly.

"Oh yeah, that definitely makes Picasso's works look bad..." Hobbes said sarcastically. Calvin didn't catch the sarcasm.

"So no luck?" Calvin asked.

"Nope."

"Oh well, go grab my Transmogrifier Gun while I'll get some sticks." Calvin said as he began to pick up some sticks.

Hobbes was confused, but got it anyway. Calvin then took the Transmogrifier Gun and zapped the sticks to make the tires and engine for the kart.

"You know, you could've suggested doing that earlier so I didn't have to go on my fruitless quest to find your desired objects..." Hobbes said annoyed.

"Eh, I prefer seeing you suffer." Calvin said proudly. Hobbes groaned.


	3. The Heat Races

**Chapter 3: Heat Race Chaos**

"Hobbes, Hobbes..." Calvin said shaking Hobbes.

"Zzz... Tuna..." Hobbes said sleepily.

"WAKE UP FURBALL!" Calvin yelled annoyed as he shoved Hobbes off the bed.

"Ugh, what now?" Hobbes said groggily.

"Come on furball! We need to drive to the track! The heats are today!"

"Oh yeah, how could I forget that..." Hobbes said ass he began to trudge out Calvin's bedroom door.

Soon, Calvin and Hobbes were on their way to the track, and Calvin was driving crazy on the streets.

"You know, if you actually had a safer way of transporting this, we wouldn't have to worry about the car getting to the track in one piece..." Hobbes said annoyed.

"Oh shut up fleabag." Calvin said annoyed, trying to ignore Hobbes' comment.

Soon they reached the race track, in one piece much to Hobbes' surprise. They got their car inspected and cleared to race. However, they would have to start last in the first heat due to how things were organized.

"Pah! They should've let me start first due to how awesome my car was!" Calvin said annoyed as they waited to be given the order to line up at the gird.

"Well, you can probably get to the front to advance to the next heat if you drive safely." Hobbes remarked.

Then, a kart designed like a fist bumped into Calvin and Hobbes' kart.

"Hey! Watch where you park that think you fool! You could damage the greatest vehicle ever made!" Calvin said annoyed. Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Well, well, well... If it isn't the twinky..." A familiar voice said.

Calvin gulped.

It was Moe.

"Moe?! What are you doing here?!" Calvin said shocked and confused.

"Because I'm racing, duh." Moe said smirking.

"You?! You can't drive anything for your life!"

"I've had numerous family members win this race, and I'm the next one to win." Moe said confidently.

"Yeah? I'll win this! I'm the greatest driver alive! Better than Jeff Gordon! Better than Kyle Busch! Better than Mario Andretti! Better than A.J. Foyt!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes and groaned as Calvin continued to list off every single NASCAR, IndyCar, and Formula One Driver he could think of.

"It don't matter twinky. I'll still win." Moe said confidently.

But before Calvin could make another comeback, they called all the racers for heat one to line up.

"Alright, we'll settle this later!" Calvin said as he and Hobbes jumped in the kart and drove off to the starting line.

So, the race started, but Calvin stunk, and wasn't going anywhere position wise, and was near the back for the most of the race. But their luck changed when a bunch of cars wrecked and allowed Calvin and Hobbes to get into the next heat.

But then, when they got to the next heat, they had problems.

"Great! Moe is in this race, and since we're starting in dead last, he'll do anything to keep me out of going to the actual race!" Calvin said annoyed as he waited for the countdown for the race to begin.

"Well, we made it this far, so that's not too bad if we don't make it." Hobbes remarked. Calvin gave him a cold stare.

"The only way we'll have a chance at winning this is if we do this the dirty way!" Calvin said.

"The dirty way?"

"Going super aggressive you loon."

"Oh, never mind then..."

Soon, the heat started, and Calvin raced aggressively as promised, and soon was up front, but he had to get pass Moe.

"Oh brother, no way I'm going to have to deal with twinky tomorrow." Moe said as he noticed Calvin getting closer, and closer as they began the final lap.

Calvin tried to do a bump-and-run move to get passed Moe, but that didn't work. But he did get closer to Moe, and they were side by side for a good chunk of the final lap, trying to shove each other off the track, but when they got to the final turn, Moe punted Calvin's kart off the track, and sent Calvin spinning, crashing him into a bunch of other cars.

"STEP ON IT! STEP ON IT!" Hobbes yelled as Calvin tried to keep it under control and get it to the finish line, which he ended up doing.

Before Calvin could go on one of his long rants, he and Hobbes heard the announcer.

"And it looks like the number 85 of Calvin the Bold will get into the race tomorrow! He just barely made it in, but will start last in tomorrow's main event.

"Well on the bright side, we made it..." Hobbes said, trying to think of the right words to say so Calvin freak out.

"Yeah... I guess it could've been worse..." Calvin said sighing in relief.

Calvin and Hobbes left the kart at the track due to the rules requiring all karts that would be in the race tomorrow to remain at the track.

"So what's our plan for tomorrow?" Hobbes asked to Calvin as they walked home.

"Simple, take it Moe..." Calvin said as he grinned evilly.


	4. The Race

**Chapter 4: The Race**

Calvin waited impatiently. He was waiting to be introduced for the driver intros for the race, and boy, was he impatient.

"Is it my turn yet?" Calvin asked for 18th time to the official watching the stage in the back.

"Geez kid, this is the 18th time I've told you. I'll call you when its your turn!" The official said annoyed.

After about ten more minutes of waiting, Calvin finally heard what he had been waiting for.

"Alright kid, your up."

"FINALLY!" Calvin said in relief as he prepared to run on stage.

"Annnnnd starting in last place! The number 85 G.R.O.S.S. kart, Calvin the Bold!" The announcer said as "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor began playing, and Calvin ran on out and did some crazy dance moves before grabbing the microphone from the announcer.

"YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT FOOLS! CALVIN THE BOLD WILL ROCK YOU ALL TONIGHT! PREPARE TO GET WRECKED! ESPECIALLY YOU MOE! THIS IS FOR GROSS INEQUALITY!" Calvin yelled out before doing a mic drop and leaving.

The crowd went dead silent.

Calvin's parents were groaning in the stands.

"I think we need to get that kid to a psychologist before he goes fully insane..." Calvin's Dad said groaning.

"Perfect. Just as we rehearsed." Hobbes said as Calvin came to get the kart.

"Yeah, you were right. They were speechless through that awesomeness!" Calvin said proudly.

"So twinky, you really think you can beat me huh?" Moe said as he walked up to Calvin's kart.

"Yeah. You WILL get beat tonight, and wrecked as well." Calvin said overly confident in himself.

"Oh yeah?"

"YEAH!"

"We'll see. See you in loser lane twinky." Moe said chuckling as he walked away/

"I believe you mean victory lane!" Calvin yelled back.

Soon, the karts lined up at the grid, and they began to race, with a beautiful night sky in the air.

Calvin raced just as he did in the second heat race, but he was a bit overly aggressive. Moving karts and wrecking them left and right. The race directors were not too pleased.

"I swear, if that kid wrecks someone else, I'm just going to disqualify him." The race director hissed.

Soon, it got near the end, and Calvin was in 3rd, with him and another kart chasing after Moe.

"What are we going to do Hobbes? There's no way I can get to Moe and win this in the next five laps!" Calvin said as he desperately tried to get pass the 2nd place kart, and figuring out how he could win this.

"Oh! I know! Do a complete 360 degree spin! They'll throw a caution, and that will bunch up everyone for a restart with about two to go!" Hobbes said.

"You sure?"

"Yes, tigers are always right. Plus the 4th place kart is way back."

"If you say so." Calvin said as he did a 360 degree spin like Hobbes suggested, and the smoke that came from it caused the officials to throw a yellow. Calvin drove off and stayed in 3rd.

"I saw smoke, but was there a wreck?" The race director asked.

"Well, the 85 did a complete 360 degree spin and then kept going." An official said showing the director a replay.

The director groaned, "He's 3rd, spins, and keeps it going... Something is obviously up here..."

The race restarted with two to go like Hobbes predicted, and Calvin shoved the 2nd place kart off the track to get 2nd, and began to fight for the lead with Moe.

They tried shoving each other off the tack every chance they had, but they weren't budging as they came to white flag, but there was also a black flag being shown.

Take a wild guess who it was for.

If you guessed Calvin, then you were right. The race director had become fed up with Calvin's antics, and decided a black flag was suitable.

But Calvin being Calvin, didn't notice it, and continued to race for the win.

"YOU AIN'T GETTING THIS TWINKY!"

"YES I WILL!"

The two came to the final turn, Calvin attempted to spin Moe out, but Moe kept it going, but Calvin rammed Moe into the wall, but Calvin ended up on his side as they slid across the finish line and crashed into the turn one wall.

"I WON! I WON! I ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING!" Calvin said as he jumped out of his kart and began celebrating.

"And the 0 kart driven by Moe has been declared the winner! Due to the 85 of Calvin the Bold being disqualified for his actions tonight!" The announcer boomed.

"YES! HA! IN YOUR FACE TWINKY!" Moe said as he jumped out of his kart and began celebrating.

"WHAT?! RIGGED! RIGGED!" Calvin yelled as he and Hobbes were dragged off the track by a race official.

* * *

Calvin found himself in the office of the race director, and he was fuming. Calvin's parents were in the office as well, worried on what payments they would have to make next thanks to Calvin.

"Do you have any idea why your were disqualified?" The director seethed.

"Yeah! Because you rigged it for that moron Moe!" Calvin said annoyed.

"NO! ITS BECAUSE YOUR ANTICS RUINED A GREAT RACE!" The director boomed with anger.

"PAH! ITS CALLED RACING MORON! EVER WATCHED NASCAR?!"

"OF COURSE I HAVE! BUT A TRUE DRIVER RACES WITH SPORTSMANSHIP!"

"YOU EXPECT EVERYTHING TO BE NICE AND ORDERLY WITH MONEY ON THE LINE?!"

"YES! I DO!"

"YOUR A BIG MORON PAL! YOUR WORSE THAN BRAINLESS FRANCE!"

"THAT'S IT! GET OUT! YOUR BANNED FOR LIFE!"

The director ended up having to drag Calvin out, while Calvin's parents quietly left the office and waited until Calvin got thrown out.

"Well, at least we didn't get fined this time..." Calvin's Mom said to Calvin's Dad as Calvin got the remains of the Calvinmobile. Calvin's Dad simply sighed.


	5. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

 _ **Boy continues family tradition with karting win, another one banned for life**_

That was the newspaper headline the next day following the race. Calvin was disgraced, and didn't want to talk about it, nor did his parents, but still decided to give Calvin a lecture on the ethics that winning isn't everything and such.

"Hey look! You made the paper!" Hobbes said as he shoved the newspaper at Calvin's face, who was resting by a tree.

Calvin shot Hobbes an icy glare. Hobbes then tossed the paper away out of Calvin's sight.

"Well Hobbes, there's one thing I've learned from all this..." Calvin began.

"That winning isn't everything? And you've come to accept that you'll never succeed at any type of Motorsports?

"Heck no! Its that all race officials are the equivalent of NASCAR officials!"

Hobbes groaned, knowing Calvin hadn't learned anything.

"Well come on Hobbes! We got a whole summer left still! Lets go play Calvinball!" Calvin said as he ran off, with Hobbes in close pursuit, as they prepared to play another thrilling game of what they call, "America's REAL favorite pastime" which was Calvinball.

 **THE END**


End file.
